It's happening again

I haven’t written in a while, I don’t have an excuse for it, it’s just something I haven’t felt like doing. Right now it’s dark in my room and I’ve been watching Euphoria since I woke up with cold sweats at noon. All of the days are the same. I wake up, I make myself a cup of coffee, I turn on something to distract me from my mind, I drink an abundance of flavored water to curb my hunger pains, I pee, I drink a glass or two of wine, and I go to bed. I will most likely do that tomorrow. I will most likely do that the day after tomorrow as well. 

For the past two years I have done a really great job of pretending I wasn’t depressed. I was even starting to believe it at times. I don’t want this to be a pity party, but since I use this blog as a journal I figured that I might as well write about the things going on in my head. 

I don’t really mind quarantine to be honest. It has given me time to do absolutely nothing which is what I hate most in this world. I tend to busy myself with tiny projects and new people, but recently I’m just like “why can’t I focus on me”? I am genuinely confused as to why I can’t put myself first. The thought of having a day where I do what I want to do is repulsive. I don’t feel like I deserve to put myself first even though I know that’s a ridiculous feeling. 

So welcome to quarantine where we all have to sit with our thoughts and try to be rational. Is anyone else terrified of doing nothing or is it just me?