The Rewiring

I spend a lot of time thinking about all of the hurt there must be in this world and how, in some way, I have contributed to that. We have all hurt someone else and caused them to feel anything less than what they deserve, and for some reason, that destroyed me for a long time.

I have recently come to peace with the fact that I am someone’s antagonist and no matter what precautions I may take to mend any relations, my character is concrete and unwavering in the eyes of their narrative.

This is a difficult concept to grasp when you grow up thinking that your worth is dictated by what others think of you. That you are nothing more than the things people say when you are not around.

This is how I existed until I was 18 and it was emotionally draining. I existed for every beating heart that wasn’t mine. I made the happiness of others my responsibility and during the process of this impossible endeavor, I found myself without any.

Over the past three years, I have been rewiring my brain and this is where I’m at:

I am someone’s antagonist and I am sorry for that. I have made choices that have negatively impacted the well being of others, and I would be naive to say that it won’t happen again. I am remorseful for any hurt that I have ever inflicted on anyone, but most importantly I am sorry for the way that I have treated myself.

I am someone's antagonist, but I am no longer my own.