10:45 in New York

It's 10:45 a.m. in New York City. I'm sitting outside of a coffee shop called "Jack's Stir Brew Coffee" in a pair of ripped jeans and a red tank top. My white air force ones are, in fact, not white and look as though they are the only shoes I own, which isn't a complete lie. It's a slow morning for the Village; the people are dragging along on this gloomy Tuesday, compelled by the paycheck that awaits them at the end of the week. As I'm sitting here, I have done an excellent job of eavesdropping on multiple conversations in which I play no part in. But while sitting here, becoming more and more coherent of my ass in this chair and my nose in everyone's business I couldn't help but take in the fact that I am the only one alone. There's a man with his dog, a beautiful woman with her boyfriend, a man speaking to a business partner, and then there is me with my eyes peeking over the top of my laptop. Recently I have found myself in this role more often than not. It's funny. I came to this city to submerge myself in people, and although I do that involuntarily at times, I still spend most of my time on my own. It's alarming actually, how often I'm stuck in my head. I can sit in a park and spectate the happenings around me for hours without ever opening my mouth. I create storylines and false experiences for people that I've never verbally spoken to, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that for me, that's growth. 

I spent an entire 18 years in a small town trying to make myself known. I was involved in too many things that I couldn't care less about. I surrounded myself with unhappy people who took out their pain and frustrations on the people who they loved the most. I was one of those people. I poured out my anger on my family and my most profound relationships. I fucking ruined them, but I'm doing my best to make amends. 

In my small town, I was known, but I had no idea who I was. I did not have the patience to sit with myself and take in the beauty of my own thoughts. I used to medicate that feeling with a high dosage of antidepressants rather than facing it. But I'm not going to sit here and type away about sad moments that put me in such a beautiful place. I am past those; I am somewhere else. 

I've been living in New York for a year now, and the amount that I have learned is exponential. The colors are brighter here. My eyes are open to all of the beautiful possibilities that are at my fingertips on this small island. I am so in love with where I am right now and looking forward to where I'm going. 

There is so much room to grow, and I'm not even halfway there.