A Concoction of Things in my Noggin

I don’t expect you to understand what I’m going through right now. It isn’t fair of me to put that kind of pressure on you. You have never known this kind of independence that I have gotten far too close with. This suffocating feeling of being trapped in a cycle of work and school, literally incapable of taking time to yourself without feeling guilty. 

So no, I don’t expect you to get it, but I do however, expect you to respect it. It wasn’t a choice to leave my life in New York, it was a prescription. I was killing myself, and it felt good. That’s fucking terrifying. To watch yourself cripple under the idea of one more all-nighter in order to finish an assignment after a shift. To use alcohol as a stimulant in order to seem chipper, to act happier. To give yourself to so many people over and over hoping that maybe one of them will finally see you the way that he did. 

Sometimes things don’t work in your favor. You can fake it for a while but eventually God’s will will win over your own. Maybe it isn’t New York, maybe I have no idea where I’m supposed to be. It isn’t here though, it can’t be here. This town holds too many bad memories, to many moments that I can’t get back. If only I could turn back time and tell myself all of the things I know now.

I would say:

Men are trash. Don’t get offended it’s in the Bible somewhere I’ll have to find it later. They really and truly want one thing, yes Mom, sex. And that’s totally fine as long as you also only want that particular thing. But Katie, young and innocent Katie, you catch feelings as easy as you caught mono. What else needs to be said?

Say no, for the love of God just say no. They will invite you out tomorrow night, but tonight just put on that face ask that’s collecting dust in your makeup bag. Throw on some Taylor Swift and paint your nails while drinking a glass of Prosecco. These friends want what’s best for you, not what’s best for them.

Don’t let men control you because they will certainly try. Meaning, if you don’t even know your political stance yet, you probably shouldn’t be taking advice from someone equally as confused and uneducated. Let your youth be your youth and don’t depend on a singular person, that makes it easier to lose control of yourself.

Shit will hit the fan, but you will see tomorrow. It will get really hard, like harder than it probably should. It’s ultimately your choice to either adapt to the times or let it tear you apart, up to you. Ride that wave for as long as you possibly can until you crash into complete adulthood at 19.